Poetry, Cigarettes, and BS(emphasis on the BS)

WOC(weapons of choice):
Lipton green tea which i hate
Nong Shim Bowl Noodle shrimp flavor
Camel Turkish Royals

I know chances are no one really quite reads this shit any more for a multitude of reasons. They don't care. I hardly update. Not as interesting as before. etc. Its interesting really that I decided about two years ago to be a Lit & Writing major with an emphasis in writing when i hardly seem to find the time to write anything. Not that that would matter to anyone really besides myself, but i noticed how much people don't really take me seriously about the whole writing thing. Maybe i just expect too much, but when you run into people who you kind of know or used to know they ask you the same dreaded question they asked you the last time fate decided to bore you with their presence. Whats your major? "It's the same thing it was last time" is what i think in my head. It's hypocritical really, i can't pretend as if i really am paying attention myself about half the time someone i could care less about is speaking to me.

Despite my frustration with peoples lack of interest, thats not what i decided to write about. I really just wanted to address somethings that have been bothering me.
After having turned 21 i have to say the experience was just...well---eh. Thats it all the hype leading up to this point i have to say that im hardly content with this past weeks festivities. Maybe im just being pessimistic but its kind of depressing to one degree or another. One of those mixed feelings that you get in your heart your head and in your stomach all at the same time.

It could possibly just be the fear of it all, you know growing up. Straight up growing pains on a young man. I've come to a point of desperately trying to find myself, but im never content. Since three years ago i've picked up a lot of new things and kept some old things that i personally like....


More active within the community
Created an even closer bond with the people that matter most
Made new friends
Found out to a degree which of the new ones i actually care about
Been less reliant on others to make me feel better(although at times i cant help myself)
Still passionate
Grew up mentally

...and so on and so on

Still though something seems inherently missing in my life. Such as a concrete plan of some sort. I toy around with bullshit ideas of where i plan to be after college but it continues to catch up to me and i feel like i have no idea.

If you asked me three years ago where i thought i would be at 21 and i would have said something along the lines of "in a serious relationship, creating art and transfered to SDSU to pursue graphic design, happy, still hanging with the same ol niggas." It's funny really how things truly don't turn out the way you would expect whether its long term or short term assumptions about your life they never really do just that---work out the way you planned. I used to think naively about relationships and dating. Naively about potential career choices. Naively about happiness.

I realized that relationships are hard but so is dating. Neither are easy in any way shape or form. It is easy to look through one lens and say that one side is way easier. When realistically all of it sucks and is great equally.

It's always crazy to think you want to do one thing with your life and then find out later it really doesn't always work out that way. I am passionate about writing and moving forward in all aspect of my life and those surrounding me.

Happiness is overated and over analyzed in my true opinion. It is also the hardest thing to recognize or truly make myself believe. For instance when i run into someone i havent seen in awhile they always ask how i have been I struggle with answering the question so i cop out and just say that i'm good. Immediately i regret saying this because what i really want to say is "Im ok today and tomorrow i'll flip a coin and heads i'm amazing/tails i'm lost and confused." For me that is truly how it works in my fickle little mind.

As much as i'm clearly a little upset, lonely, depressed, and lost today. Tommorow really is a new day and i may feel like a million bucks. Who knows? I sure as hell don't, but till next time imaginary readers

-just ray
Progressive mobbin' every day