Deconstructing Just Ray

Weapons of Choice
1. Marlboro Lights
2. Vitamin Water XXX
3. no snacks cuz the san marcos pad has no food


Non existent Interviewer: Long time no blog Just Ray, what have you been doing while on your long vacation from a post from you has been long overdue.

Just Ray: well i've pretty much been just letting myself go and getting fat over the winterbreak

non existent interviewer: SICK!

Well the reality is that I've been caught up in new shiet that I've been getting into the past month or so. One would call it the "Renewal of Ray" (coined by candice garcia). Really though I've been trying to live out my Pro Mob lifestyle of positivity and hustling the system A.K.A. LIFE. Now in no way have I somehow accomplished enlightenment in the short amount time that has gone by, but i am trying to make definite changes in the way I carry myself. I really do feel a lot more content with my life recently, with my recent involvement in KAMP, (kuya/ate mentorship program) a weak yet fulfilling performance at the ELEVATED open mic, and a overall feeling of independence. I've hardly been working lately, but that will change as soon as school starts because the money is definitely more of a necessity during the semester. Besides being involved in the community is gearing me more towards what I want to achieve in life than slanging breadsticks and cleaning other peoples shiet at P & O's for 8 bucks an hour.

Going back to independence by no means am I grown up or some shiet like that, but I feel like I can do a lot more on my own now. Typically I have a tendency of looking to other people to help me get through the day, but lately I've been content doing shiet by myself. I found that I can entertain myself for quite a long time now without having to call someone to hang out with me.

Here are a couple of new things i'm trying to start up:
1. Barnes & Noble once a week to browse around for books to read and building a collection for myself.
2. Performing at least twice a month at ELEVATED 's open mic or any open mic around SD.
3. Staying active in KAMP by attending as many meetings as possible as well as help teach at Mira mesa high school every last friday of the month.
4. Carry around a journal of some sort and writing in it at least once a day.
5. Posting on Poetry, Cigs, and BS at least once a week as well as keeping up with Coolest Kids In the Room posts.
6. Make it through this semester and get off AP
7. Concentrate more on substance rather than physical appearance.

Although I would love to put "Cut Down" or "quit" smoking cigarettes, but that might be next to impossible given the amount that I may be putting on my plate this semester. As for number 7 on the list I basically want to go back to scrub ray from 06. Growing out the hairpiece again and not shaving for a couple months. As far as the relevance between substance and bum ray I can't say that I really have a good reason for it other than I just want to. In someways you can look at it as some kind of sociological experiment, to see if my personality can make up or outshine the fact that I might look highly unattractive. Now I'm sure to some it just sounds like I'm just simply letting myself go, but its not that at all. It is more of a way of freeing myself. Freeing myself from hair gel, my bi weekly haircuts, shaving every day, and pretty much just giving a damn about how I might look to other people. Although growing out my facial hair or the lack there of might be futile because I can grow about as much hair on my face as a 10 year old asian girl. I guess it's just the thought that counts... As far as how long I'm trying to keep this up is still undetermined.

Despite the scrubiness I decided to start up exercising again just to be able to keep up with myself. Lately I really have been feeling how unhealthy I am. Forget the cigarettes, at the moment I am more concerned with the sack of fat i carry around everyday AKA my stomach. In someways I guess you could say I'm trying to go back to 05-06 ray you know homeless lookin.

This guy



As much as I like talking about myself I think it's time to move on to something else.

So I just want to share a book that i bought at Barnes today.

Part Asian 100% Hapa
by kip fulbeck



Since I seem to have strong visual receptors this book caught my eye in the "ASIAN" section at Barnes & Noble. Maybe one of the reasons I bought it was because their was hardly any texts and half the book is just photos. After skimming the content of the book I suddenly felt good about myself. It basically is set up to where every page has a photo of a person considered a Hapa from the collar bone up and on the left side of the photo is their ethnic background and a short answer written by the models explaining what or who they are. The way it is set-up is very creative yet simple and heartfelt. Their really isn't a way to promote this book any more than i already have so I suggest just checking it out next time you feel like stimulating your mind and going to Barnes.

Poem

My Infatuations With Mixed Women

I may speak about brown pride
And claim it with fierce admiration,



Yet it's almost hypocritical
The following statement

That I love mixed women

Like political closed minded upper-class
Businessmen that argue strong family values

While fucking STD having, holes in their
Fishnet stockings wearing
"Hey honey looking for a good time" speaking
Street corner hookers

It's contradicting

Well maybe not to that great of an extreme,
But I think you see my point

It's just that I can't…help myself
And don't get me wrong
It isn't anything to do with
Me not appreciating every other beauty

Theirs just something about their mixed feature's
That has me drooling in their presence
I can't help, but want to make these women moan
It's just that I see the future when I look at them girl's skin tones

They are unknowingly apart of a movement towards equality
Being one step closer than some of the rest of us

It's simple really how can their be racism
If everyone has every race in them

I can't help, but see the history and culture when
Gazing in these beautiful women's eyes
Whether they be brown, hazel, green, or blue
The color is more or less insignificant

Now don't be mistaken, I don't have a thing for light skinned women
I just love mixed women

Although some may not completely be in touch
With every bit of their culture

It's just that one day their children or grandchildren will be forced too
Because in school they'll no longer only teach us about

Western civilizations
Or one chapter on Native American migration

We will be forced to learn holistically
Because our descendants will one day be one
Similar race

Where we won't simply be able to look each other over
And judge their origins by skin tone or features on their face

It will be so deep rooted and imbedded in our skin
That every person would just have to appreciate each other

For whom they are inside
All due to mixed women

It gives me somewhat a sign of hope
When I look these females up and down


I can't help but want to throw rose petals on
The ground, they walk on

Because it's similar to the ..
I would never mind close relations

And I mean real close relations

I don't expect you to understand
everything that I am saying

Just understand this…

I want to appreciate everything about this movement
And be as close as possible to the future

So I'll happily take one for the team and pop shiet off
With my hands placed gently on a women's hips

A Lesson learned whether you do or don't get this metaphorical shiet

I just want to embrace the future then
Make it official and break these racial barriers
between our lips

On that Serious Tip: Outrage

Disclaimer:This Post is gonna be long so bare with me its important

If you know me well enough, you would know that I'm proud as shiet of who I am and where I come from. I also consider myself someone who believes in working towards social change. I just want to say I take offense to those that can ask questions that are deep and expect a simple and short response. I also am frustrated with people that are fearless in their ignorance. For example, a article located on the North County Times website stresses the importance of student organizations and praises these student organizations for their ability to actually take part in social conscious events. "Since 1991, at least 200 clubs have been created only to fall off the university's roster, according to Berhane."(North County Times) All i have to say is that is progression at its best. Sadly with every positive their has to be some kind of negative. The website gives a chance for readers to leave comments on the article, one comment from someone named GREG stated,

"Wow, a hip-hop club? How about the G3 Association, like 'Getting Good Grades' association? How about a 'Community Service Association' where students work on community service projects? Too many self-serving, racist clubs and not enough clubs that promote unity and community togetherness."
"I guess it's a figment of my imagination the foothold groups like MEChA, NCLR, along with other racist groups have on CSUSM. And now with the Asian Pacific Student Society, Black Student Union, Middle Eastern Association, Oaxaca Student Organization, Vietnamese-American Student Association, I guess the members of these so-called associations can all hang out with their own kind. The university experience should be about learning a marketable skill, not more of the culture you came from or belong to."

This definitely has to be ignorance at its best......
If you wanna read the full article visit this link
http://www.northcountytimes.com/articles/2007/11/26/news/top_stories/20_16_3611_25_07.txt#blogcomments

So since I'm all riled up and in a radical kind of mood right now, I decided to write a new spoken word piece that I'll hopefully memorize soon and get spittin.

Outrage: Response To a Question

Ask me the question of who I am?
At first I respond not, providing no
answer to questions
That ask for answers deeper than
the procedure of finding myself.

As if my culture
was really so simple,

That it could
So simply,

be described.

I only speak truth
So I subtract the lies
While popular culture, continues
To Divide
And Deny

My people.

Whether your ripley and believe it or not,
If you resemble a bit of my physical features,
Then you should know
We were born into adversity

Living in a world where
skin n bones
is considered attractive

Where going out to house parties
Is considered active

Where despite the lack of color pigment
White is privileged,
And brown and yellow
is expected to be passive

Idolizing the Pac Man
For his south paw
Only respected for his ability
To throw a fist, But

We,
ignore and disassociate
Ourselves with those that
Call for social change

We,
critique them and say,
“Say they just thrown fits”

Better to knock down ignorance,
Than to use violence as a means
To educate

We,
Our people who can claim Mabuhay
But make jokes
and poke fun about our own

I myself choose to hold close to me
My history and my culture
You could almost call it an embrace

But less tight for fear of becoming
To close to one way of thinking

Privately wishing,
I grew up in a world
That didn’t force me into outrage
On issues of Oppression due to race

Living in a world where we admire
The hills

wish we could swim,
In Laguna beaches

Where hate
Does not have to be loud
sometimes a whisper

so quite and subtle at times
we fail to acknowledge the deception

Most of us are speechless
And would be like Korean shop owners
And mind our business

I fight with words,
That ring loud in eardrums
That beat like tribal war drums

So that my people cannot ignore
What hurts more

than

A physical abrasion
More painful Is the truth
that I’m relaying

As We,
taste the tears
Tears of women so salty
And so deep
They remind us of the Pacific Ocean.

Tears shed by wives
For the loss,
Of WW2 soldiers
they called them husbands

While We call the women
Lola

Fast forward to the present
Tears still shed this time by
The husbands and their children

And we call the men
Lolo

Yet their bravery and valor in war
Goes unacknowledged
Refusing to pay their pensions

While presidential candidates
Debate Multiple issues
Yet in no way,
has Obama or Clinton
Ever chose to mention

We call it discrimination

And we have the audacity
As a nation
To separate a day for soldiers
Like our Lolo’s

We call them veterans
Better yet veteranos

Except minus the equity
and less divided

So ask me the question
A question so broad it gives me a Migraine

Better to ask what I know
And my answer will be lengthy
As well as rather draining

But ask me who I am?

My answer will be just as broad
And subject to interpretation

If you want to know who I am
I’ll say look past me, I mean really look

At the land fertilized by
blood sweat and tears
Look directly towards my ancestors

Although at times we as a people
Turn our backs on our homeland

Magandang Pilipinas

Our souls and our hearts
have never left her.

JFAV


sorry no jokes tonight I'm on that serious tip....

Just Ray

Procrastination For The Win

Before i get into anything i just wanna say, i'm glad tommorow's my last day of school till winter break.

Weapons of Choice
1. BigAz Chicken(thats really what its called)
2. Strawberry Gatorade
3. the usual-Marlboro Lights

I can't pretend like it's a good idea that i'm not studying, but i'm just over it. Procrastination is a mother fucker...although i consider this shiet productive now because at least i'm writing right. If it were tangible and i could weight the two out on a scale(Writing about something i care about vs. studying for something i don't care about) then i think i would rather write about some real shiet i care about. Although my ramblings may not amount to much for other people it matters to me. I still can't help but have a bit of fear of what might happen with school next semester. I honestly don't think that i am doing so bad that i would get kicked out, but their really is just that slight possibility. Either way i will still concentrate on achieving what i have planned for myself regardless of if it involves college or not. I have no problem letting the streets and my own personal interests help to educate me thank you very much. Go ahead judge me i dare you.

On that note lets concentrate on a similar topic...like Dreams. No, not dreams like the dreams you have of jessica alba wearing nothing but socks and chocolate, but real dreams. Like goals and something that you can quite possibly achieve. Now i'm not talking short term like buy that jacket i want on karmaloop.com, but more long term...the future. Other than finals and miniscule things i think that an individuals dreams and aspirations amount to a lot of stress especially for people that are my age. It's scary to think really, you know growing up. It wasn't to long ago i was just trying to graduate high school, but now i gotta think about some real shiet.
I am a firm believer of people holding on for dear life to their dreams and goals, lifes just to short to leave everything up to "GOD" i say fuck making your self believe that life is out of your control. Given their are things we have no say in, but as far as the type of man i want to be i have every bit of choice in the matter.

A list of what i choose to try and achieve:
1. Being recognized as a writer/poet/artist. I don't need worldwide recognition i just want to be remembered by someone. FUCK FAME.
2. Move to SF, and establish myself as someone of importance in the fight for social awareness.
3. Help People
4. Live my life Progressive Mobbin all day every day.

I'm to lazy to write now so imma just quit

no jam
and no poem

Final Fight

So its early early thursday morning as usual instead of studying i am procrastinating. My weapons of choice tonight include:
1. Nong Shim Bowl Noodle Soup spicy chicken flavor
2. Vitamin Water Focus Flavor
3. the musty air in my room cuz i ran out of grits

I'll have you know that the "spicy chicken" bowl noodle soup tastes nothing like chicken and you almost can't read the convenient little cover without having some kind of typical asian accent. Its just the truth.
note to self:don't eat nong shim bowl noodle soup "spicy" chicken flavor while typing it can only end in disaster

screw you nong shim yo ass is not spicy


So anyways the topic at hand tonight is gonna have to be FINALS. The college students nightmare...freddy kreuger aint got shiet on finals. On The REAL. 4 REAL. If school was Ryu than finals would be his final super hadouken. If school was a toilet than finals would be the piece of tissue clogging the toilet preventing the flush. If school was a butthole than finals would smell like shiet...and it does. Had enough of the weak analogies yet? Cuz i just make this shiet up as i go along, i just roll with it.

Really though........seriously, finals suck. Reality is that i actually only have 1 final day that i have 2 tests on. Yet i still feel the need to complain. Aside from the actual finals you take just the feeling of this time of year is horrid. It feels like everywhere you go everyones been hit with the anxiety stick. It feels like were all in rehab waiting to be released so we can take a hit of bull shieting again.(Unless your tuan chow) We spend about a quarter of our life in school and i sure as hell don't plan on spending another quarter stressing about finals that mean nothing to me really. I don't wanna keep rambling about this because i think its just making it worse.

Since i'm awake and have nothing better to do i'll move on to something new. I just wanna take a moment to pay tribute to some poets/artists that have been influential in my life and/or i just think are iLL fantastic.

Saul Motha Fuckn Williams

I have to say one of the most influential spoken word poets of our time. You can't talk about spoken word without mentioning this brothers name. iLL def sick hot dope Is what it is.

Lauryn Hill

My wifey, although we have had a falling out since her performance at rock the bells san bernadino 2006, much respect has to be given. Coming from one of the iLLest hip hop groups EVER the fugees Lauryn Hill made consciousness and straight deepness sexy and beautiful all at the same time.

Noah Bennet "The man with the horn rimmed glasses" & his crazy fuckn partner "The Haitian"
Noah bennet is probably the sickest non hero character in Heroes. The Haitian is probably the most badass hero in heroes, with or without powers he can drop a mother fucker(Kicks Peter Petrellis ASSSSSSSS hand to hand). These two make every other interracial partnership look like childs play. i.e.



R.I.P Color Me Bad

Shannon Sassymon

Just because she made everyone realize how fine artsy looking chicks are. Oh and i heard she knows how to spin records.

Adriel Luis

One of my inspirations to write whether it be poetry or just some rambling in my blog. A kat I admire for his way with words as well as his ability to move the crowd.

so now i'm just gonna throw out names because it takes way to long to find these damn pictures and videos
ruby veridano-ching
Immortal Technique
Camille Velasco
Bolo
LAPU-LAPU
the list goes on and on.....

I'm callin it quits so i'll leave you with the

Quote of the day:
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Pathetic Poetic

WoC tonight is Hot & Spicy bbq Lay's chips, Arizona Green Tea, and no cigs for the night. So i got home at around 1:12 am after a pretty fuckn crazy episode of heroes if i do say so myself. Sadly i have to wait till 2008 for the next season and i think i'm already going through Heroes withdrawals. All i gotta say is Noah Bennet still the most badass character on the show that doesn't have powers. Oh and the haitian will always kick ass.

i just realized that i'm to lazy to write anymore so i'll continue this another day

till we meet again

to be contd.......

Holidazzzeeee

So a lil update on my life....nadamn thing goin on with me thats new. Still work at Pat & Oscars (aka haven for lil fuckn kids) still flying solo, still trying to do the pro mob thing, kickn it with the homies as usual and still slackn off and eating my snacks late at night. Poor metabolism your shiet is fucked. Oh well i did recently just get a haircut that looks pretty bo bo kind of a cross between a hi-top fade and slicked back AzN pRiDe deal goin on. Luckily i own a good amount of hats to spare people from laughing.

One thing happened today i helped Candida draw her children's book cover stimulating my visual artist side which is always good. I realized however that drawing brings out the perfectionist in me and thats probably why i don't draw to often anymore. (mental note frame art and hang up in my room) Sadly with our bit of grade school reminiscing their is always a bad side, as life likes to creep up and kick you in the ass. But it's not really my business to tell so i'll leave that out. Lets just say 250 bucks and me feeling guilty was what we got for enjoying our lil art class session.

ANYWAYS another sunday night or monday morning of BSing and blogging.(Blog is probably one of the stupidest sounding internet terms today) WoC (weapon's of choice) tonight included vitamin water the pink one, marlboro lights and popcorn chicken from Long john silver. So my rambling for tonight has to do with the holidays. Holidays suck. I mean really SUCK. Sure we can all enjoy presents from our loved ones, standing under the mistletoe with that special someone or just good ol winter break. The holidays for me mainly equal up to about 3 things.

1. Hella money spent
2. Wearing mad layers cuz my island roots don't like the cold
3. being fuckn lonely

Although being single permits me the freedom to not have to worry about some extravagant present, don't be fooled because i still end up spending equal or more than if i were to be in some kind of intimate situation. Lets say one girlfriend equals about 100-200 dollar worth gift or maybe less if your a cheap bastard. Now if you have homegirls lets try and calculate. I probably have about 1-2-3-4-5-6 close home girls worth mentioning who on average i'll spend about 30-50 dollars on each. So 40 x 6 and if my multiplication table holds true thats 240 dollars or more given if your extra important to me. That's not even including mi familia who i tend to spend a little less on which is sad, but they love me unconditionally so there. It's ok though i tend to not spend to much on myself as far as material things go so it's all good. Besides my theory is not having a "girl" makes it easier for me to better appreciate the females that are there for me regardless of how i act or what i do. Although they nag me just the same, but i love em HA.

I wear hella layers because my weak ass can't stand being cold. Don't get me wrong i love this season especially since unlike summer you can always put more clothes on as opposed to taking clothes off in the summer. It can only go so far until your flashing those around you and getting locked up for indecent exposure. Other than that i think that my people aren't ment to be cold its just not apart of our genetic make-up. The homeland is fuck tropical it's hot mother fuckn year round. So i blame the malay race for deciding that and island that is hotter than the suns balls is the right place to have Filipinos. -sorry if my histories all wrong, but at this very minute i dont care

Oh and the good ol HOLIDAAAZZZEEE(holidaze copyrighted by me).
Dislcaimer don't read if you don't wanna hear some simp shiet
Now don't get me wrong i love the holidays but hate the holidaze. See holidaze to me is that feeling that the single folk like me get from Late November till Mid February. Reason being that theres thankgiving, Christmas, New Years, and valentines day withing this 4 month period. Not to mention fuckn finals and the beginning of Spring semester so that means crashing classes. I mean all of these holidays just remind you how much it sucks to be single whether you wanna believe it or not. I mean come on eating for thanksgiving at your girls parent's place, uh mistletoe exchanging presents all better with couple type situations....oh and valentines day which is kind of self explanatory. Not to mention is fuckn cold what better time to get under the sheet and get warm with someone than fuckn winter. Unlike summer where stickyness runs rampant. Loneliness is dangerous man we make bad decisions off of being lonely. Calling the ex, or calling someone that you hardly can stand anymore just for some mental or physical attention. Shiets deadly. If your shaking your head in disagreement than kiss my ass, cuz just wait till you start hearing the christmas songs and the red and green themed everything and see how you feel. Better yet the kissing under the mistletoe and all that jazz brings out the holidaze mang.


Knowing me i might meet someone or rekindle something with someone just to get away from feeling the holidaze, but thats never guaranteed. So to all yall that are feeling me i wish you a happy HOLIDAAAZZZEEEE. And to those of you who aren't feeling me or don't understand because you haven't been single in decades.....don't come near me with that simp shiet haha.

now for some cool random holiday shiet




ahhhh run dmc and kurtis blow yall really bring out the christmas cheer in me....

Quote of the day:
"and i tagged that kite with my words, and i wrote..just so you know my weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks, i've nailed some milestones but i've made mistakes cuz i got more faults than a map of california earthquakes. I am taking a nap underneath your covers, wake me if you like me, wake me if you want me, wake me if you need another poem your once and future love has made himself at home." -An iLL poet that i do admire- Rives

Late night poem:
(this shiets from last year and come to think of it isn't that tight, but i'm to lazy to write something new and its 3 am)

Holidaze

It's a little chilly outside, I mean my hands feel like ice

Meanwhile Christmas carols being sung

By out of tune church choirs

I'm lost in the decorations on houses

The lights are blinding but somewhat

Reminiscent of warm feelings

What I really need is Christmas healings….

Somethin about this season always gets me going

No matter what I do I always recall last year

Last years love, last years kiss, last years ultimate

Feeling of bliss..

No gift or present will make you forget

Maybe the future or your love next

But in the mean time I'll sip on eggnog

And pretend everything is ok

Lets not forget new years

Getting fucked up with some friends

Everything is fun and good times

Up until you get to the end

The count down I swear every number

Brings back a memory

10…shuffling to find her

9… nervous

8…finally spotted her

7…pushing people out of your way

6… finally being face to face

5…warmest hug of my life

4…anxiously waiting

3…eyes are locked

2…happiest I've ever been

1…Last years Kiss

Last years ultimate feeling of bliss….

I swear it's the loneliest time of the year

More like a reminder that your single

Couples holding hands everyone decides

This is the year the one time to just show

While I'm feeling kind of lonely by myself under the mistletoe…

Anti-Productive (chicken in a biskit, vitamin water, and marlboro lights)

I never had a Xanga in my earlier years...ok well maybe for a day but i just got over it/lazy. So call it what you want xanga deprived, html challenged, to caught up with role playing games and trying to download pictures of francine dee with my 56k computer, etc. I just figured with myspace ruining my life i might as well be keeping up with my writing through this shiet, rather than thinking of funny and witty comments to leave my top 80 friend's or being narcissistic and uploading pictures of myself till 3 in the morning. I go to college to graduate with a BA in Literature & Writing, (emphasis in writing) but hardly if ever write any more. So heres my answer to the lack of inspiration that my brain seems to be accustomed to.

So instead of studying, i am glued to the computer screen like many past Sunday nights eating my snacks and drinking my beverage oh and the occasional grit break. Weapons of choice tonight are chicken in a biskit crackers, vitamin water essential flavor and Marlboro Lights. It really is interesting how anti-productive one can be in one night let alone a good bulk of their lifetime. With finals glaring at me from a 2 week distance you would think that i would stop typing and start reading. FUCK THAT. I'm so sick of college and the bull shiet stuff i have to learn. I honestly could care less about photosynthesis and evolution. Especially when kat's these days could hardly evolve their asses out of the cliche house party scene. Now don't get me wrong i myself am a occasional goer of these types of events, but it generally isn't the highlight of my month or week.

Quick list of people and things at house parties i dislike or annoy me:
1. girl who wants to grind her ass on anything that moves
2. guy who wants to grind his crotch on anything that moves
3. That one person you know that you really don't feel like talking to but get caught up and forced into a conversation with
4. guy/girl who at a certain point of the night tells you, "shhhh its a party theirs cops outside"
5.Girl you used to have a thing with
6. Guy that has a thing with the girl you used to have a thing with
7. kids that look like they hardly turned 12
8. Lastly, Mr. I got something to prove so imma get bold and take my shirt of type dudes/"gangsters"

*It's ironic that one of my goals in life is to help people become progressive, but most people irritate the shiet out of me.


The sad thing is 4 out of 8 of the things listed above is probably me when i get a 40oz of OE or a couple shots of Henny. Which ones? Figure it out.

Why can't Parties be more like this





Anyway's flat top's and kid n play aside I think i need to start being more productive. I need to find things to do where i can network myself and meet new people that doesn't involve my face in a toilet or bush at the end of the night or even my fist throbbing in pain cuz im hard and i hit something harder than me. Oh yea and be productive in school.....RIGHT

quote of the day: "girrrrlll did i park in a no parking zone cuz i think i just got exposed to MAXIMUM FINE!" -my inspiration to blog/an inspiration to write - adriel luis

2am Late night poem

Familiar

As I glance around at my surroundings

One person catches my eye notices me looking,

so my heart starts pounding

blood pressure starts rising

my eyes are dull but not blinding

My eyes

My eyes they catch a young man who happens to be familiar,

familiar like a forgotten memory of adolescence

it’s like I know him

and I do

he stares back at me the same way I’m staring at him

as if he knows me to

So I watch him, well it couldn’t be the first time

Because I swear I know him

Almost like I’ve seen him before

I kinda remember things about him, but his name in my head no more

Maybe some dude I had beef with way back when,

But it couldn’t be that so who is this mother fucker then

Starting to get scared as Tupac’s voice replays in my head

“some buck that I roughed up way back, rata tat-tat-tat-tat and that’s the way it is”

naw couldn’t be….

Anyways as I’m observing him

It almost makes me chuckle

How a man could be so obese from

All the bullshiet nonsense he feeds himself,

But still have his belt buckled

Claiming with words and inadequate action

that he is progressive,

I begin to feel like I’m hooked on phonics

I can’t read his mixed message

He’ll tell you one day to respect women

Because they be like your mother, sister, auntie, grandmother whatever

But his true beliefs are more unpredictable than the weather

His thoughts

His thoughts are more scattered than rain drops,

During fall season and he swears that he’s deep,

but every other conversation he’s had is plain talks

He’ll claim that bitch, slut, and hoe are no longer

A part of his vocab,

but the next day he’ll get dissed by a female

be like “fuck that bitch ass slutty hoe” and be all mad

Truth be told I’m probably not even better

But look at this mother fucker swears he’s a go getter

Like he’s got dreams,

That he’s looking to accomplish

Trying to give good advice to his homies

But they don’t want shiet

He’s trying to go from negative to positive and its on

Top of that he just looks hella dummy

Gone stupid and retarded

Cuz he pretends to be hard and cold hearted

He starts to look lost now, like he’s walking in the dark

And their ain’t no light to guide him

Just continual darkness that continues to be misguiding

He tries so hard to do what’s right as opposed to what’s wrong

But it all seems to familiar like a sad love song

Trying his best to let his voice be heard,

But gets all lost and mixed up like a child speaking his first word

Claiming that he’s activist

But I bet if shiet went down he’d act a bitch

Or maybe a pussy

who tries to offer a lil something

But just comes off as pushy

Like some cracked out prostitutes,

but instead his morals are for sale

trying to define himself but hes struggling

at the age of 20 as a young male

trying so hard to figure out what to do with his life,

but he’s so attached to his worries and his bull shiet

that you could call them his wife

except harder to divorce

through discourse

and remorse

of the stupid decisions that he makes,

feeling like it’s all a bad dream and he still needs to wake

up trying to keep those grades up

so he could be made up

into what society wishes him to be

responsible

hitting light switches so he could see

His parent’s putting pressure on him to graduate college

But he feels like he’s wasting his time and not gaining any knowledge

and now I realize as I glance around at my surroundings

catch eyes with him and my heart begins the pounding

my blood pressure starts the rising

but now my eyes are not blinding

to the truth

My eyes catch a young man who is familiar

And it’s like I know him and I do

Staring with the same look on his face cuz

He knows me to

And I know his name and who he be

As I’m looking at my reflection

I realize this mother fucker is me…