Poetry, Cigarettes, and BS

Poetry, Cigarettes, and BS(emphasis on the BS)

2008-09-09T01:11:00.000-07:00

WOC(weapons of choice):
Lipton green tea which i hate
Nong Shim Bowl Noodle shrimp flavor
Camel Turkish Royals

I know chances are no one really quite reads this shit any more for a multitude of reasons. They don't care. I hardly update. Not as interesting as before. etc. Its interesting really that I decided about two years ago to be a Lit & Writing major with an emphasis in writing when i hardly seem to find the time to write anything. Not that that would matter to anyone really besides myself, but i noticed how much people don't really take me seriously about the whole writing thing. Maybe i just expect too much, but when you run into people who you kind of know or used to know they ask you the same dreaded question they asked you the last time fate decided to bore you with their presence. Whats your major? "It's the same thing it was last time" is what i think in my head. It's hypocritical really, i can't pretend as if i really am paying attention myself about half the time someone i could care less about is speaking to me.

Despite my frustration with peoples lack of interest, thats not what i decided to write about. I really just wanted to address somethings that have been bothering me.
After having turned 21 i have to say the experience was just...well---eh. Thats it all the hype leading up to this point i have to say that im hardly content with this past weeks festivities. Maybe im just being pessimistic but its kind of depressing to one degree or another. One of those mixed feelings that you get in your heart your head and in your stomach all at the same time.

It could possibly just be the fear of it all, you know growing up. Straight up growing pains on a young man. I've come to a point of desperately trying to find myself, but im never content. Since three years ago i've picked up a lot of new things and kept some old things that i personally like....

More active within the community
Created an even closer bond with the people that matter most
Made new friends
Found out to a degree which of the new ones i actually care about
Been less reliant on others to make me feel better(although at times i cant help myself)
Still passionate
Grew up mentally

...and so on and so on

Still though something seems inherently missing in my life. Such as a concrete plan of some sort. I toy around with bullshit ideas of where i plan to be after college but it continues to catch up to me and i feel like i have no idea.

If you asked me three years ago where i thought i would be at 21 and i would have said something along the lines of "in a serious relationship, creating art and transfered to SDSU to pursue graphic design, happy, still hanging with the same ol niggas." It's funny really how things truly don't turn out the way you would expect whether its long term or short term assumptions about your life they never really do just that---work out the way you planned. I used to think naively about relationships and dating. Naively about potential career choices. Naively about happiness.

I realized that relationships are hard but so is dating. Neither are easy in any way shape or form. It is easy to look through one lens and say that one side is way easier. When realistically all of it sucks and is great equally.

It's always crazy to think you want to do one thing with your life and then find out later it really doesn't always work out that way. I am passionate about writing and moving forward in all aspect of my life and those surrounding me.

Happiness is overated and over analyzed in my true opinion. It is also the hardest thing to recognize or truly make myself believe. For instance when i run into someone i havent seen in awhile they always ask how i have been I struggle with answering the question so i cop out and just say that i'm good. Immediately i regret saying this because what i really want to say is "Im ok today and tomorrow i'll flip a coin and heads i'm amazing/tails i'm lost and confused." For me that is truly how it works in my fickle little mind.

As much as i'm clearly a little upset, lonely, depressed, and lost today. Tommorow really is a new day and i may feel like a million bucks. Who knows? I sure as hell don't, but till next time imaginary readers

-just ray
Progressive mobbin' every day

How to be a man

2008-08-04T01:47:00.000-07:00

I find myself asking useless questions,
never provided with any concrete answers

like what does it mean to be a man?

And i wonder why there aren't any guidelines
why aren't their any rules or regulations
for a young man to follow

because the answer is never so simple
its just like hard liquor but a lot harder to swallow

to be a man must one feel truly hollow?

on the inside empty and alone
Making his pride and ego the place he calls home

unable and unwilling to show emotion
or true feelings

correction anger seems to be the
only exception

at least thats what the majority
seem to teach boys as there first lesson

a mans gotta be hard, tough,
can never back down from anybody

has to know how to solve problems with his fists
never opening up his palm and bending his wrists
cuz apparently that makes you a faggot

we use hurtful words so much when we speak
that we pretend that they've lost all meaning

we say fag when were angry
and when were just joking around
but for some reason at our jobs
and professional situation
we watch our mouths

From what i see sexuality defines gender
meaning homosexuals are a whole other breed
and apparently cannot be considered men
it boggles my mind leaving me upset and bothered

when straight men can hardly stay married
and can abandon their kids and still be considered
fathers

so it leaves me dazed confused and amazed
at the mother fuckers that claim to be a man

when all i seem to notice is the contradiction
making it difficult for myself to understand
the logic

i feel like i missed the memo
better yet i was thrown the pass
and i guess i never caught it

i had a late start so i never caught up

Growin up i was told that boys don't cry
so with that option eliminated men just lie

to our mothers our sisters and our lovers
to our women

even the word seems to imply that you aint a woMAN
unless youve had a MAN inside you

never wanting to add girls permanently
just wanting to subtract the clothes
and go for the the legs and divide through

to be contd.

BUST A reCAP IN YO ASS

2008-07-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

Weapons Of Choice

1. No grits
2. Arizon Green tea
3. No snack

Jam At The Moment
Blue Scholars - Loyalty 2

Poem Of the Day
Trish & I - Untitled Piece

Quote of the day
"Either write something worth reading or DO something worth writing" -Hemingway

Just Ray back in full effect yall with Poetry, Cigarettes & BS. I've been away from the blog world for quite sometime now especially from my own personal blog. Nazer and Lance continue to represent for the Cool Kids hopefully a few posts from yours truly will pop up soon. For now though i think that those that read PC&BS would agree that a post is long over due. With that being said i figured i'd start this post off with a quick recap of the last couple posts on this damn thang.

Recap
In February i was supposed to be giving up cigarettes for lent....yea that didn't work out to well, but i am once again taking a crack at it now that its july. I also sought out on the process of Deconstructing Just Ray. This entailed gaining more independance and concentrating more on substance than outward appearance...oh yea that was pretty much a fail as well. I did manage to grow a semi goatee and my hair is pretty long im pretty close to the classic Uncle Jesse steez that i once claimed in 05.

Deconstruction of Just Ray

Before

After

Yea thats right i'm not scared of putting embarassing pictures up of myself, but check out the differences. Clearly more passionated about life in the before picture and hardly enthusiastic about anything after. Fully clothed before and semi naked + clear view gang tattoos after. What appears to be a marlboro 27 before and fiending for cigarettes in the after. Clean cut + fitted sd cap before and scrubby + cant be contained by hats hairstyle after. Not to mention i seem to be 5 pounds less before and ready to explode in the after. All jokes aside is it me or could these pictures be of two completely different people.

Present Day
The quintessential (yea i had to make sure that the word was correctly used in context) question is Am i any different as a person on the inside after all this time has passed? Simply put yes.

However, i dont attribute my "growing up" to the whole deconstruction process. First of all because i didn't even pull through on about half the things i said i would do. Second I think that given any kind of time a person makes a few changes. Truthfully the whole deal seemed to point to a reason fro me to kind of just scrub the fuck out. Well....i guess that isn't all true. I've done a lot as well as learned a lot since last summer and i must say im pretty proud of myself.

As an individual i feel much stronger, i realized that i am no tough guy rather i'm just passionate. So at times passion turns to anger and i've learned to control that. Apparently my MS paint skills are pro now according to a couple of folks who read the cool kids blog. I do a lot for the community now, more than i had initially planned to. Oh and i did the best i've ever done in school this past semester and managed to get my ass off of Academic Probation. Recently elected Cultural Chair for CSUSM's Kamalayan Alliance..it was a close race you know running against myself but in the end they made the right decision by electing me.

I still have a long way to go as far as growin up and figuring shit out, but i can at least say that i've made steps if not strides towards where i wish to be.

-Just Ray

Up In Smoke: Day 5-6

2008-02-12T01:04:00.000-08:00

I know i haven't been keeping up with posting everyday, but gimme a break i do have a life outside of this blog.

Quick update on how things are going with the my Lenten sacrifice:

It's been going pretty slow, i smoke a lot less smoking at the most maybe 4 cigarettes a day which is a lot better than my usual 10-15 a day. Of course there was the exception of this passed saturday, but that was part in due to the fact that some mother fuckers are just idiots. But thats a entirely different story.

As far as the josh hartnett 40 days and 40 nights goes lets just say i failed, i'm almost ashamed to say it, but yes i did fail. Nuff said.

As far as today goes it went alrite i wrote another scene for Kamalayan's PCN and made it to both my classes today despite my lack of motivation. I was irritable today in some ways, possibly because of the lack of nicotine. I did somewhat subdue my anxiety by smoking a couple of shorts. If you don't know what shorts are then you don't want to know. So for today i have a new piece which is another kind of cop out since i wrote it for my creative writing workshop class, but sue me.

Poem of the day

Cowardly Fun

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Underage fun mixed with
A dose of early alcoholism
Equals up to more hangovers
Than teenagers driving home sober

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Music blasts as the local DJ spins his records
Allowing youth to enjoy a night of dancing
That appears to be more sexual than anything else

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Sweat drips from foreheads, down exposed skin
Owner of the house sweats triple that of everyone else
For fear of neighbor complaints for an excess of noise
And arrival of forehead vein Popping, angry parents

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Smoke filled air in a backyard to small to hold a sea of bodies
Shoulder to shoulder, cheek to cheek,
New shoes bought ruined by spills from beverages unknown

Pop! Pop! Pop!
The sound of screams echo through the night sky
Taking cover behind cars for fear of your own life

Pop! Pop! Pop!
The sound is more eerie than Hollywood presents it to be

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Even from afar the sparks correspond to each crackle and each pop
Frozen for what seems like forever, but could only be less than a second

Pop! Pop! Pop!
4 pairs of the shoulders you stood close to inside,
lying motionless on the sidewalk

Pop! Pop! Pop!
Recall your shoes dirty from unknown spilt beverages
As two people lay on the ground with blood spilled concrete

Pop! Pop! Pop!
The air that seemed to be filled with screams before,
Seems so quite that you can hear ambulance and police sirens
From miles away

Pop! Pop! Pop!
A night of fun becomes tragic
As one of two injured
Loses his life having not been apart of the confrontation
Just another kid who came to party just happened to pick the wrong night

Pop! Pop! Pop!
The first sound that arises in my mind when recalling that night
Happens to be his last sound heard
As the cowardly gun went

POP! POP! POP!

Up in Smoke/ Poets fuckn SUCK: Dia Dos

2008-02-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

Awake are the Crooks

Take a deep breathe,
Close eyelids so heavy
They stay shut

Create images
Surreal
Fo real

Deal,
Slang,
Thought .

Elevate the mind
Fuck the body
I got soul

Call the rest
A temple,
And worship

Minds.

Cuz mines
Is on a higher
Level

I be a rebel

Or Re BELL

Revolt n oppose
Ignorance

It aint bliss
It’s bitch

Stay lifted
And just hit

Fear not
Throw fists

Just one to the air
No violence

Be flu
And think sick

Throw the black
Hoodies on
And ski masks

Prepare to rob
Cuz we
mob

Deep

Deep is the mental,
Progress and be
Instrumental

Spit the rhyme
N make sense
Fuck cents

Like pennies
There will always be
Plenty

Full is the stomach
Of hip hop

When it used to be
Starving

Satisfied is weak
But hungry
Does what it takes

Unstoppable
As a collective
Think CONSCIOUS is dead,

I say naw
Dwells beneath
the streets

Listen closely
The progressive mob
Never sleeps

Jam of the night: Visionaries-if you cant say love

Day One Of Up in Smoke: BUSTED!

2008-02-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

Failure.
well ok maybe not to that level, but you get my point.

Now judge if you must because i pretty much deserve it. I failed and in less than 12 hours of beginning my little lent sacrifice. I woke up this morning sitting on my little side walk next to my garage...waiting for CANDIDA to pick my ass up. In waiting i was already going crazy from the lack of nicotine, but i persevered and made it to school smoke free. Rewinding a bit i made the mistake of not smoking all of my cigarettes before the dead line so i had about 8 cigarettes left sitting on my bathroom sink. After class candida dropped me off at home so i could shower, and then the trouble starts. I noticed that my irritation level was fairly higher than usual due to how hungry my lungs were for nicotine. So instead of smoking i made some hot wings and a corn dog to satisfy my craving, however i realized the food would only satisfy one of my urges. So i resorted to saying "fuck it i need one" and i smoked one.....and how ooooo so sweet the mix of over a 100 chemicals felt seeping into my lungs.

Long story short, i smoked about 4 cigs and still have like 4 more which is not good. Some may suggest "why not just throw them away" and i am sorry i can't just waste perfectly good cigarettes. I mean to think some poor kid in Mira Mesa who can't buy his own cigarettes is suffering and would die to be in my position. SO I SAY NO!!! FOUL NAY SAYERS! I WILL NOT THROW THEM AWAY THAT WOULD BE SHEER MADNESS.!

Although i have failed both god and myself today i shall not fret for this is only one loss on the side of good. You may have won this time oh tobacco companies, but you have not WON THE WAR!

YOU CAN TAKE OUR LIVES BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

IMMORTALITY TAKE IT, IT'S YOURS!

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?

GIVE THEM NOTHING TAKE FROM THEM EVERYTHING!

*insert epic movie quote here*

(whoever can name the quotes that those movies come from first i'll buy you lunch)

Anyways so heres my first poem of lent

its kind of a cop out cuz i wrote this for my creative writing class but fuck it

The Insomniac

I laid myself to Sleep,
Only to Awaken
To sweat drenched sheets

Lay Awake sweating,
To Sleep on sheets
drenched

Retreat from nightmare
Drenched dreams
As I sweat myself to Sleep

Fear of Awakening
Dream sweat all too real
Nightmare drenches my
reality

Sleep to rest
Sleep to escape what is real
Sleep is a CURSE

Awake,
reality hurts

Awake,
escaping nightmares too real

Awake,
Is an affliction

Sleep yearns to be Awake
Finally Awake and now wish to be aSleep

Awake due to the fact
That I can’t Sleep.

Up In Smoke: A Poet's Journey/Poets Fuckin SUCK.

2008-02-04T23:56:00.000-08:00

Now doesn't that headline just sound so epic...no i guess not, but i'll get into that later.

Weapons of choice:
Marlboro Lights(not for long though)
Bee movie fruit flavored snacks
and oh so sweet arizona green tea the king of green teas (fuck sobe)

I just wanted to share a lil comment and mix it up by posting the quote of the day first, that was posted about rafael casal on youtube, you know the barbie and ken 101 guy for all of you readers (lance and kristine) out there and def poetry jam heads.

"All I'm sayin is that the motherfucker's skinny, he doesn't look tough, he don't look like he has heart, plus he's a poet. I'd out-box his faggot ass anyday and he knows it, that's why he'd never fight me.

Poets fuckin suck."-some youtube hater

I don't have anything really enlightening to say about this other than its funny and the last line is just cool to me i think i'm bout to make it my headline on myspace. Actually i'm gonna add a backslash to my original title and "poets fuckin suck." right after. I must say though that you know spoken word/poetry has broken into somewhat of pop culture when someone says POETS FUCKIN SUCK, it would be more culturally current if it said POETS FUCKIN SUCK BRO! or if it posted like this:

PoEtS FuCcIn SuCc BrOoOoO :) lol, rofl, jk

ANYWAYS moving on to more irrelevant things, i've come to the decision that for lent this year i'm going to be giving up cigarettes YES you heard correctly DUN DUN DUN cigarettes. (see how that relates back to the headline UP IN SMOKE clever i know) Now i realize that it won't be the first time i quit smoking and surely not going to be the last. However, i figure now would be a good time to quit smoking since i'm doing the whole deconstructing of just-ray thing on top of that i figure it will be way harder once midterms come around and finals so nows a good time to try. So don't get it mistaken for any real religious move especially since i didn't even know lent was on wednesday i needed to ask my own personal catholicism tour guide oliver deguzman to tell me. I was also thinking of pulling a josh hartnett and going without sex for lent

I mean i guess its sort of a cop out since i have a non existent sex-life as is, but doing the Josh hartnett would mean no *ahem* *ahem* as well. You know no spanking the monkey, no choking the chicken, no waxing the board....you catch my drift. (yes i hope you feel uncomfortable after reading that) I mean unless a real life equivalent of the oh so sexy SHANNYN SASSYMON enters my life, it shouldn't be that hard. right? Well, i'm still going to contemplate on the no sex thing.

Cuz sex and cigs is like peanut butter and jelly you can have one or the other, but their even better together. So instead of smoking i decided to just buy gum instead and just chew that shiet when i feel like smoking. The other thing i plan on doing as a weak supplement is write a poem for every day of lent or at least for how ever long i last without grits. Which of course will be posted here on Poetry, Cigarettes, and BS. If all goes according to plan i'll rename my blog name to something equally clever. And for the 40 days that i quit smoking i'll instead name the gum i'm currently chewing rather than the cigarettes that i would normally be smoking.

So as tradition and habit seems to dictate i'll end this entry with a poem and song of the day

Poem of the day

Ending a Relationship

Dear marb lights,

sharing countless memories
smoke filled lungs,
come common to nights
that seemed to rough

from one night stand regrets,
failed tests,
nagging parents,

i say goodbye to you
for my 2008 lent

You be my one and only
my reason for...living

no dying
slowly at that

killing me softly
in a way only lauryn hill
could truly explain

You made me struggle,
struggle to catch breath
after walking up step
after step

You be my one and only
because after every deeply inhaled hit
you gave me the shiets

So i say good bye my love
no longer in my life do you seem to fit

or at least until i get desperate and say to a homie "LEMME GET A GRIT!!!!!"

Jam that i'm feelin:
Power Struggle-Decolonization process

Deconstructing Just Ray

2008-01-16T01:49:00.000-08:00

Weapons of Choice
1. Marlboro Lights
2. Vitamin Water XXX
3. no snacks cuz the san marcos pad has no food

Non existent Interviewer: Long time no blog Just Ray, what have you been doing while on your long vacation from a post from you has been long overdue.

Just Ray: well i've pretty much been just letting myself go and getting fat over the winterbreak

non existent interviewer: SICK!

Well the reality is that I've been caught up in new shiet that I've been getting into the past month or so. One would call it the "Renewal of Ray" (coined by candice garcia). Really though I've been trying to live out my Pro Mob lifestyle of positivity and hustling the system A.K.A. LIFE. Now in no way have I somehow accomplished enlightenment in the short amount time that has gone by, but i am trying to make definite changes in the way I carry myself. I really do feel a lot more content with my life recently, with my recent involvement in KAMP, (kuya/ate mentorship program) a weak yet fulfilling performance at the ELEVATED open mic, and a overall feeling of independence. I've hardly been working lately, but that will change as soon as school starts because the money is definitely more of a necessity during the semester. Besides being involved in the community is gearing me more towards what I want to achieve in life than slanging breadsticks and cleaning other peoples shiet at P & O's for 8 bucks an hour.

Going back to independence by no means am I grown up or some shiet like that, but I feel like I can do a lot more on my own now. Typically I have a tendency of looking to other people to help me get through the day, but lately I've been content doing shiet by myself. I found that I can entertain myself for quite a long time now without having to call someone to hang out with me.

Here are a couple of new things i'm trying to start up:
1. Barnes & Noble once a week to browse around for books to read and building a collection for myself.
2. Performing at least twice a month at ELEVATED 's open mic or any open mic around SD.
3. Staying active in KAMP by attending as many meetings as possible as well as help teach at Mira mesa high school every last friday of the month.
4. Carry around a journal of some sort and writing in it at least once a day.
5. Posting on Poetry, Cigs, and BS at least once a week as well as keeping up with Coolest Kids In the Room posts.
6. Make it through this semester and get off AP
7. Concentrate more on substance rather than physical appearance.

Although I would love to put "Cut Down" or "quit" smoking cigarettes, but that might be next to impossible given the amount that I may be putting on my plate this semester. As for number 7 on the list I basically want to go back to scrub ray from 06. Growing out the hairpiece again and not shaving for a couple months. As far as the relevance between substance and bum ray I can't say that I really have a good reason for it other than I just want to. In someways you can look at it as some kind of sociological experiment, to see if my personality can make up or outshine the fact that I might look highly unattractive. Now I'm sure to some it just sounds like I'm just simply letting myself go, but its not that at all. It is more of a way of freeing myself. Freeing myself from hair gel, my bi weekly haircuts, shaving every day, and pretty much just giving a damn about how I might look to other people. Although growing out my facial hair or the lack there of might be futile because I can grow about as much hair on my face as a 10 year old asian girl. I guess it's just the thought that counts... As far as how long I'm trying to keep this up is still undetermined.

Despite the scrubiness I decided to start up exercising again just to be able to keep up with myself. Lately I really have been feeling how unhealthy I am. Forget the cigarettes, at the moment I am more concerned with the sack of fat i carry around everyday AKA my stomach. In someways I guess you could say I'm trying to go back to 05-06 ray you know homeless lookin.

This guy

As much as I like talking about myself I think it's time to move on to something else.

So I just want to share a book that i bought at Barnes today.

Part Asian 100% Hapa
by kip fulbeck

Since I seem to have strong visual receptors this book caught my eye in the "ASIAN" section at Barnes & Noble. Maybe one of the reasons I bought it was because their was hardly any texts and half the book is just photos. After skimming the content of the book I suddenly felt good about myself. It basically is set up to where every page has a photo of a person considered a Hapa from the collar bone up and on the left side of the photo is their ethnic background and a short answer written by the models explaining what or who they are. The way it is set-up is very creative yet simple and heartfelt. Their really isn't a way to promote this book any more than i already have so I suggest just checking it out next time you feel like stimulating your mind and going to Barnes.

Poem

My Infatuations With Mixed Women

I may speak about brown pride
And claim it with fierce admiration,

Yet it's almost hypocritical
The following statement

That I love mixed women

Like political closed minded upper-class
Businessmen that argue strong family values

While fucking STD having, holes in their
Fishnet stockings wearing
"Hey honey looking for a good time" speaking
Street corner hookers

It's contradicting

Well maybe not to that great of an extreme,
But I think you see my point

It's just that I can't…help myself
And don't get me wrong
It isn't anything to do with
Me not appreciating every other beauty

Theirs just something about their mixed feature's
That has me drooling in their presence
I can't help, but want to make these women moan
It's just that I see the future when I look at them girl's skin tones

They are unknowingly apart of a movement towards equality
Being one step closer than some of the rest of us

It's simple really how can their be racism
If everyone has every race in them

I can't help, but see the history and culture when
Gazing in these beautiful women's eyes
Whether they be brown, hazel, green, or blue
The color is more or less insignificant

Now don't be mistaken, I don't have a thing for light skinned women
I just love mixed women

Although some may not completely be in touch
With every bit of their culture

It's just that one day their children or grandchildren will be forced too
Because in school they'll no longer only teach us about

Western civilizations
Or one chapter on Native American migration

We will be forced to learn holistically
Because our descendants will one day be one
Similar race

Where we won't simply be able to look each other over
And judge their origins by skin tone or features on their face

It will be so deep rooted and imbedded in our skin
That every person would just have to appreciate each other

For whom they are inside
All due to mixed women

It gives me somewhat a sign of hope
When I look these females up and down

I can't help but want to throw rose petals on
The ground, they walk on

Because it's similar to the ..
I would never mind close relations

And I mean real close relations

I don't expect you to understand
everything that I am saying

Just understand this…

I want to appreciate everything about this movement
And be as close as possible to the future

So I'll happily take one for the team and pop shiet off
With my hands placed gently on a women's hips

A Lesson learned whether you do or don't get this metaphorical shiet

I just want to embrace the future then
Make it official and break these racial barriers
between our lips

On that Serious Tip: Outrage

2007-12-11T02:17:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:This Post is gonna be long so bare with me its important

If you know me well enough, you would know that I'm proud as shiet of who I am and where I come from. I also consider myself someone who believes in working towards social change. I just want to say I take offense to those that can ask questions that are deep and expect a simple and short response. I also am frustrated with people that are fearless in their ignorance. For example, a article located on the North County Times website stresses the importance of student organizations and praises these student organizations for their ability to actually take part in social conscious events. "Since 1991, at least 200 clubs have been created only to fall off the university's roster, according to Berhane."(North County Times) All i have to say is that is progression at its best. Sadly with every positive their has to be some kind of negative. The website gives a chance for readers to leave comments on the article, one comment from someone named GREG stated,

"Wow, a hip-hop club? How about the G3 Association, like 'Getting Good Grades' association? How about a 'Community Service Association' where students work on community service projects? Too many self-serving, racist clubs and not enough clubs that promote unity and community togetherness."
"I guess it's a figment of my imagination the foothold groups like MEChA, NCLR, along with other racist groups have on CSUSM. And now with the Asian Pacific Student Society, Black Student Union, Middle Eastern Association, Oaxaca Student Organization, Vietnamese-American Student Association, I guess the members of these so-called associations can all hang out with their own kind. The university experience should be about learning a marketable skill, not more of the culture you came from or belong to."

This definitely has to be ignorance at its best......
If you wanna read the full article visit this link
http://www.northcountytimes.com/articles/2007/11/26/news/top_stories/20_16_3611_25_07.txt#blogcomments

So since I'm all riled up and in a radical kind of mood right now, I decided to write a new spoken word piece that I'll hopefully memorize soon and get spittin.

Outrage: Response To a Question

Ask me the question of who I am?
At first I respond not, providing no
answer to questions
That ask for answers deeper than
the procedure of finding myself.

As if my culture
was really so simple,

That it could
So simply,

be described.

I only speak truth
So I subtract the lies
While popular culture, continues
To Divide
And Deny

My people.

Whether your ripley and believe it or not,
If you resemble a bit of my physical features,
Then you should know
We were born into adversity

Living in a world where
skin n bones
is considered attractive

Where going out to house parties
Is considered active

Where despite the lack of color pigment
White is privileged,
And brown and yellow
is expected to be passive

Idolizing the Pac Man
For his south paw
Only respected for his ability
To throw a fist, But

We,
ignore and disassociate
Ourselves with those that
Call for social change

We,
critique them and say,
“Say they just thrown fits”

Better to knock down ignorance,
Than to use violence as a means
To educate

We,
Our people who can claim Mabuhay
But make jokes
and poke fun about our own

I myself choose to hold close to me
My history and my culture
You could almost call it an embrace

But less tight for fear of becoming
To close to one way of thinking

Privately wishing,
I grew up in a world
That didn’t force me into outrage
On issues of Oppression due to race

Living in a world where we admire
The hills

wish we could swim,
In Laguna beaches

Where hate
Does not have to be loud
sometimes a whisper

so quite and subtle at times
we fail to acknowledge the deception

Most of us are speechless
And would be like Korean shop owners
And mind our business

I fight with words,
That ring loud in eardrums
That beat like tribal war drums

So that my people cannot ignore
What hurts more

than

A physical abrasion
More painful Is the truth
that I’m relaying

As We,
taste the tears
Tears of women so salty
And so deep
They remind us of the Pacific Ocean.

Tears shed by wives
For the loss,
Of WW2 soldiers
they called them husbands

While We call the women
Lola

Fast forward to the present
Tears still shed this time by
The husbands and their children

And we call the men
Lolo

Yet their bravery and valor in war
Goes unacknowledged
Refusing to pay their pensions

While presidential candidates
Debate Multiple issues
Yet in no way,
has Obama or Clinton
Ever chose to mention

We call it discrimination

And we have the audacity
As a nation
To separate a day for soldiers
Like our Lolo’s

We call them veterans
Better yet veteranos

Except minus the equity
and less divided

So ask me the question
A question so broad it gives me a Migraine

Better to ask what I know
And my answer will be lengthy
As well as rather draining

But ask me who I am?

My answer will be just as broad
And subject to interpretation

If you want to know who I am
I’ll say look past me, I mean really look

At the land fertilized by
blood sweat and tears
Look directly towards my ancestors

Although at times we as a people
Turn our backs on our homeland

Magandang Pilipinas

Our souls and our hearts
have never left her.

JFAV

sorry no jokes tonight I'm on that serious tip....

Just Ray

Procrastination For The Win

2007-12-09T22:35:00.001-08:00

Before i get into anything i just wanna say, i'm glad tommorow's my last day of school till winter break.

Weapons of Choice
1. BigAz Chicken(thats really what its called)
2. Strawberry Gatorade
3. the usual-Marlboro Lights

I can't pretend like it's a good idea that i'm not studying, but i'm just over it. Procrastination is a mother fucker...although i consider this shiet productive now because at least i'm writing right. If it were tangible and i could weight the two out on a scale(Writing about something i care about vs. studying for something i don't care about) then i think i would rather write about some real shiet i care about. Although my ramblings may not amount to much for other people it matters to me. I still can't help but have a bit of fear of what might happen with school next semester. I honestly don't think that i am doing so bad that i would get kicked out, but their really is just that slight possibility. Either way i will still concentrate on achieving what i have planned for myself regardless of if it involves college or not. I have no problem letting the streets and my own personal interests help to educate me thank you very much. Go ahead judge me i dare you.

On that note lets concentrate on a similar topic...like Dreams. No, not dreams like the dreams you have of jessica alba wearing nothing but socks and chocolate, but real dreams. Like goals and something that you can quite possibly achieve. Now i'm not talking short term like buy that jacket i want on karmaloop.com, but more long term...the future. Other than finals and miniscule things i think that an individuals dreams and aspirations amount to a lot of stress especially for people that are my age. It's scary to think really, you know growing up. It wasn't to long ago i was just trying to graduate high school, but now i gotta think about some real shiet.
I am a firm believer of people holding on for dear life to their dreams and goals, lifes just to short to leave everything up to "GOD" i say fuck making your self believe that life is out of your control. Given their are things we have no say in, but as far as the type of man i want to be i have every bit of choice in the matter.

A list of what i choose to try and achieve:
1. Being recognized as a writer/poet/artist. I don't need worldwide recognition i just want to be remembered by someone. FUCK FAME.
2. Move to SF, and establish myself as someone of importance in the fight for social awareness.
3. Help People
4. Live my life Progressive Mobbin all day every day.

I'm to lazy to write now so imma just quit

no jam
and no poem

Final Fight

2007-12-06T01:37:00.000-08:00

So its early early thursday morning as usual instead of studying i am procrastinating. My weapons of choice tonight include:
1. Nong Shim Bowl Noodle Soup spicy chicken flavor
2. Vitamin Water Focus Flavor
3. the musty air in my room cuz i ran out of grits

I'll have you know that the "spicy chicken" bowl noodle soup tastes nothing like chicken and you almost can't read the convenient little cover without having some kind of typical asian accent. Its just the truth.
note to self:don't eat nong shim bowl noodle soup "spicy" chicken flavor while typing it can only end in disaster

screw you nong shim yo ass is not spicy

So anyways the topic at hand tonight is gonna have to be FINALS. The college students nightmare...freddy kreuger aint got shiet on finals. On The REAL. 4 REAL. If school was Ryu than finals would be his final super hadouken. If school was a toilet than finals would be the piece of tissue clogging the toilet preventing the flush. If school was a butthole than finals would smell like shiet...and it does. Had enough of the weak analogies yet? Cuz i just make this shiet up as i go along, i just roll with it.

Really though........seriously, finals suck. Reality is that i actually only have 1 final day that i have 2 tests on. Yet i still feel the need to complain. Aside from the actual finals you take just the feeling of this time of year is horrid. It feels like everywhere you go everyones been hit with the anxiety stick. It feels like were all in rehab waiting to be released so we can take a hit of bull shieting again.(Unless your tuan chow) We spend about a quarter of our life in school and i sure as hell don't plan on spending another quarter stressing about finals that mean nothing to me really. I don't wanna keep rambling about this because i think its just making it worse.

Since i'm awake and have nothing better to do i'll move on to something new. I just wanna take a moment to pay tribute to some poets/artists that have been influential in my life and/or i just think are iLL fantastic.

Saul Motha Fuckn Williams

I have to say one of the most influential spoken word poets of our time. You can't talk about spoken word without mentioning this brothers name. iLL def sick hot dope Is what it is.

Lauryn Hill

My wifey, although we have had a falling out since her performance at rock the bells san bernadino 2006, much respect has to be given. Coming from one of the iLLest hip hop groups EVER the fugees Lauryn Hill made consciousness and straight deepness sexy and beautiful all at the same time.

Noah Bennet "The man with the horn rimmed glasses" & his crazy fuckn partner "The Haitian"
Noah bennet is probably the sickest non hero character in Heroes. The Haitian is probably the most badass hero in heroes, with or without powers he can drop a mother fucker(Kicks Peter Petrellis ASSSSSSSS hand to hand). These two make every other interracial partnership look like childs play. i.e.

R.I.P Color Me Bad

Shannon Sassymon

Just because she made everyone realize how fine artsy looking chicks are. Oh and i heard she knows how to spin records.

Adriel Luis

One of my inspirations to write whether it be poetry or just some rambling in my blog. A kat I admire for his way with words as well as his ability to move the crowd.

so now i'm just gonna throw out names because it takes way to long to find these damn pictures and videos
ruby veridano-ching
Immortal Technique
Camille Velasco
Bolo
LAPU-LAPU
the list goes on and on.....

I'm callin it quits so i'll leave you with the

Quote of the day:
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Pathetic Poetic

2007-12-04T01:31:00.000-08:00

WoC tonight is Hot & Spicy bbq Lay's chips, Arizona Green Tea, and no cigs for the night. So i got home at around 1:12 am after a pretty fuckn crazy episode of heroes if i do say so myself. Sadly i have to wait till 2008 for the next season and i think i'm already going through Heroes withdrawals. All i gotta say is Noah Bennet still the most badass character on the show that doesn't have powers. Oh and the haitian will always kick ass.

i just realized that i'm to lazy to write anymore so i'll continue this another day

till we meet again

to be contd.......

Holidazzzeeee

2007-12-03T01:54:00.000-08:00

So a lil update on my life....nadamn thing goin on with me thats new. Still work at Pat & Oscars (aka haven for lil fuckn kids) still flying solo, still trying to do the pro mob thing, kickn it with the homies as usual and still slackn off and eating my snacks late at night. Poor metabolism your shiet is fucked. Oh well i did recently just get a haircut that looks pretty bo bo kind of a cross between a hi-top fade and slicked back AzN pRiDe deal goin on. Luckily i own a good amount of hats to spare people from laughing.

One thing happened today i helped Candida draw her children's book cover stimulating my visual artist side which is always good. I realized however that drawing brings out the perfectionist in me and thats probably why i don't draw to often anymore. (mental note frame art and hang up in my room) Sadly with our bit of grade school reminiscing their is always a bad side, as life likes to creep up and kick you in the ass. But it's not really my business to tell so i'll leave that out. Lets just say 250 bucks and me feeling guilty was what we got for enjoying our lil art class session.

ANYWAYS another sunday night or monday morning of BSing and blogging.(Blog is probably one of the stupidest sounding internet terms today) WoC (weapon's of choice) tonight included vitamin water the pink one, marlboro lights and popcorn chicken from Long john silver. So my rambling for tonight has to do with the holidays. Holidays suck. I mean really SUCK. Sure we can all enjoy presents from our loved ones, standing under the mistletoe with that special someone or just good ol winter break. The holidays for me mainly equal up to about 3 things.

1. Hella money spent
2. Wearing mad layers cuz my island roots don't like the cold
3. being fuckn lonely

Although being single permits me the freedom to not have to worry about some extravagant present, don't be fooled because i still end up spending equal or more than if i were to be in some kind of intimate situation. Lets say one girlfriend equals about 100-200 dollar worth gift or maybe less if your a cheap bastard. Now if you have homegirls lets try and calculate. I probably have about 1-2-3-4-5-6 close home girls worth mentioning who on average i'll spend about 30-50 dollars on each. So 40 x 6 and if my multiplication table holds true thats 240 dollars or more given if your extra important to me. That's not even including mi familia who i tend to spend a little less on which is sad, but they love me unconditionally so there. It's ok though i tend to not spend to much on myself as far as material things go so it's all good. Besides my theory is not having a "girl" makes it easier for me to better appreciate the females that are there for me regardless of how i act or what i do. Although they nag me just the same, but i love em HA.

I wear hella layers because my weak ass can't stand being cold. Don't get me wrong i love this season especially since unlike summer you can always put more clothes on as opposed to taking clothes off in the summer. It can only go so far until your flashing those around you and getting locked up for indecent exposure. Other than that i think that my people aren't ment to be cold its just not apart of our genetic make-up. The homeland is fuck tropical it's hot mother fuckn year round. So i blame the malay race for deciding that and island that is hotter than the suns balls is the right place to have Filipinos. -sorry if my histories all wrong, but at this very minute i dont care

Oh and the good ol HOLIDAAAZZZEEE(holidaze copyrighted by me).
Dislcaimer don't read if you don't wanna hear some simp shiet
Now don't get me wrong i love the holidays but hate the holidaze. See holidaze to me is that feeling that the single folk like me get from Late November till Mid February. Reason being that theres thankgiving, Christmas, New Years, and valentines day withing this 4 month period. Not to mention fuckn finals and the beginning of Spring semester so that means crashing classes. I mean all of these holidays just remind you how much it sucks to be single whether you wanna believe it or not. I mean come on eating for thanksgiving at your girls parent's place, uh mistletoe exchanging presents all better with couple type situations....oh and valentines day which is kind of self explanatory. Not to mention is fuckn cold what better time to get under the sheet and get warm with someone than fuckn winter. Unlike summer where stickyness runs rampant. Loneliness is dangerous man we make bad decisions off of being lonely. Calling the ex, or calling someone that you hardly can stand anymore just for some mental or physical attention. Shiets deadly. If your shaking your head in disagreement than kiss my ass, cuz just wait till you start hearing the christmas songs and the red and green themed everything and see how you feel. Better yet the kissing under the mistletoe and all that jazz brings out the holidaze mang.

Knowing me i might meet someone or rekindle something with someone just to get away from feeling the holidaze, but thats never guaranteed. So to all yall that are feeling me i wish you a happy HOLIDAAAZZZEEEE. And to those of you who aren't feeling me or don't understand because you haven't been single in decades.....don't come near me with that simp shiet haha.

now for some cool random holiday shiet

ahhhh run dmc and kurtis blow yall really bring out the christmas cheer in me....

Quote of the day:
"and i tagged that kite with my words, and i wrote..just so you know my weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks, i've nailed some milestones but i've made mistakes cuz i got more faults than a map of california earthquakes. I am taking a nap underneath your covers, wake me if you like me, wake me if you want me, wake me if you need another poem your once and future love has made himself at home." -An iLL poet that i do admire- Rives

Late night poem:
(this shiets from last year and come to think of it isn't that tight, but i'm to lazy to write something new and its 3 am)

Holidaze

It's a little chilly outside, I mean my hands feel like ice

Meanwhile Christmas carols being sung

By out of tune church choirs

I'm lost in the decorations on houses

The lights are blinding but somewhat

Reminiscent of warm feelings

What I really need is Christmas healings….

Somethin about this season always gets me going

No matter what I do I always recall last year

Last years love, last years kiss, last years ultimate

Feeling of bliss..

No gift or present will make you forget

Maybe the future or your love next

But in the mean time I'll sip on eggnog

And pretend everything is ok

Lets not forget new years

Getting fucked up with some friends

Everything is fun and good times

Up until you get to the end

The count down I swear every number

Brings back a memory

10…shuffling to find her

9… nervous

8…finally spotted her

7…pushing people out of your way

6… finally being face to face

5…warmest hug of my life

4…anxiously waiting

3…eyes are locked

2…happiest I've ever been

1…Last years Kiss

Last years ultimate feeling of bliss….

I swear it's the loneliest time of the year

More like a reminder that your single

Couples holding hands everyone decides

This is the year the one time to just show

While I'm feeling kind of lonely by myself under the mistletoe…

Anti-Productive (chicken in a biskit, vitamin water, and marlboro lights)

2007-11-25T22:37:00.000-08:00

I never had a Xanga in my earlier years...ok well maybe for a day but i just got over it/lazy. So call it what you want xanga deprived, html challenged, to caught up with role playing games and trying to download pictures of francine dee with my 56k computer, etc. I just figured with myspace ruining my life i might as well be keeping up with my writing through this shiet, rather than thinking of funny and witty comments to leave my top 80 friend's or being narcissistic and uploading pictures of myself till 3 in the morning. I go to college to graduate with a BA in Literature & Writing, (emphasis in writing) but hardly if ever write any more. So heres my answer to the lack of inspiration that my brain seems to be accustomed to.

So instead of studying, i am glued to the computer screen like many past Sunday nights eating my snacks and drinking my beverage oh and the occasional grit break. Weapons of choice tonight are chicken in a biskit crackers, vitamin water essential flavor and Marlboro Lights. It really is interesting how anti-productive one can be in one night let alone a good bulk of their lifetime. With finals glaring at me from a 2 week distance you would think that i would stop typing and start reading. FUCK THAT. I'm so sick of college and the bull shiet stuff i have to learn. I honestly could care less about photosynthesis and evolution. Especially when kat's these days could hardly evolve their asses out of the cliche house party scene. Now don't get me wrong i myself am a occasional goer of these types of events, but it generally isn't the highlight of my month or week.

Quick list of people and things at house parties i dislike or annoy me:
1. girl who wants to grind her ass on anything that moves
2. guy who wants to grind his crotch on anything that moves
3. That one person you know that you really don't feel like talking to but get caught up and forced into a conversation with
4. guy/girl who at a certain point of the night tells you, "shhhh its a party theirs cops outside"
5.Girl you used to have a thing with
6. Guy that has a thing with the girl you used to have a thing with
7. kids that look like they hardly turned 12
8. Lastly, Mr. I got something to prove so imma get bold and take my shirt of type dudes/"gangsters"

*It's ironic that one of my goals in life is to help people become progressive, but most people irritate the shiet out of me.

The sad thing is 4 out of 8 of the things listed above is probably me when i get a 40oz of OE or a couple shots of Henny. Which ones? Figure it out.

Why can't Parties be more like this

Anyway's flat top's and kid n play aside I think i need to start being more productive. I need to find things to do where i can network myself and meet new people that doesn't involve my face in a toilet or bush at the end of the night or even my fist throbbing in pain cuz im hard and i hit something harder than me. Oh yea and be productive in school.....RIGHT

quote of the day: "girrrrlll did i park in a no parking zone cuz i think i just got exposed to MAXIMUM FINE!" -my inspiration to blog/an inspiration to write - adriel luis

2am Late night poem

Familiar

As I glance around at my surroundings

One person catches my eye notices me looking,

so my heart starts pounding

blood pressure starts rising

my eyes are dull but not blinding

My eyes

My eyes they catch a young man who happens to be familiar,

familiar like a forgotten memory of adolescence

it’s like I know him

and I do

he stares back at me the same way I’m staring at him

as if he knows me to

So I watch him, well it couldn’t be the first time

Because I swear I know him

Almost like I’ve seen him before

I kinda remember things about him, but his name in my head no more

Maybe some dude I had beef with way back when,

But it couldn’t be that so who is this mother fucker then

Starting to get scared as Tupac’s voice replays in my head

“some buck that I roughed up way back, rata tat-tat-tat-tat and that’s the way it is”

naw couldn’t be….

Anyways as I’m observing him

It almost makes me chuckle

How a man could be so obese from

All the bullshiet nonsense he feeds himself,

But still have his belt buckled

Claiming with words and inadequate action

that he is progressive,

I begin to feel like I’m hooked on phonics

I can’t read his mixed message

He’ll tell you one day to respect women

Because they be like your mother, sister, auntie, grandmother whatever

But his true beliefs are more unpredictable than the weather

His thoughts

His thoughts are more scattered than rain drops,

During fall season and he swears that he’s deep,

but every other conversation he’s had is plain talks

He’ll claim that bitch, slut, and hoe are no longer

A part of his vocab,

but the next day he’ll get dissed by a female

be like “fuck that bitch ass slutty hoe” and be all mad

Truth be told I’m probably not even better

But look at this mother fucker swears he’s a go getter

Like he’s got dreams,

That he’s looking to accomplish

Trying to give good advice to his homies

But they don’t want shiet

He’s trying to go from negative to positive and its on

Top of that he just looks hella dummy

Gone stupid and retarded

Cuz he pretends to be hard and cold hearted

He starts to look lost now, like he’s walking in the dark

And their ain’t no light to guide him

Just continual darkness that continues to be misguiding

He tries so hard to do what’s right as opposed to what’s wrong

But it all seems to familiar like a sad love song

Trying his best to let his voice be heard,

But gets all lost and mixed up like a child speaking his first word

Claiming that he’s activist

But I bet if shiet went down he’d act a bitch

Or maybe a pussy

who tries to offer a lil something

But just comes off as pushy

Like some cracked out prostitutes,

but instead his morals are for sale

trying to define himself but hes struggling

at the age of 20 as a young male

trying so hard to figure out what to do with his life,

but he’s so attached to his worries and his bull shiet

that you could call them his wife

except harder to divorce

through discourse

and remorse

of the stupid decisions that he makes,

feeling like it’s all a bad dream and he still needs to wake

up trying to keep those grades up

so he could be made up

into what society wishes him to be

responsible

hitting light switches so he could see

His parent’s putting pressure on him to graduate college

But he feels like he’s wasting his time and not gaining any knowledge

and now I realize as I glance around at my surroundings

catch eyes with him and my heart begins the pounding

my blood pressure starts the rising

but now my eyes are not blinding

to the truth

My eyes catch a young man who is familiar

And it’s like I know him and I do

Staring with the same look on his face cuz

He knows me to

And I know his name and who he be

As I’m looking at my reflection

I realize this mother fucker is me…